Travel: A Frustrated Guy Wishes Scientists Would Stop Dinking Around

Who can I call and complain to that I've never been to Paris? Seems like everyone you meet has a special someone that they'll "always have Paris" with. I get it, it's love, it's intense attraction in one of the most romantic and sensual cities in the world, I don't say anything. But really, it bugs me that I haven't gone myself and fallen in love for a short while only to be ripped away by circumstances. And I know they've got great cheese too.

So who can I call? Because honestly it's a travesty that we've developed tooth brushes that can clean your entire mouth with a flick of a wrist and a AA battery but haven't found a way to send people from one part of the world to another that costs less than "OH CHRIST!". And now they're developing travel for people who want to go into "space" for a few minutes and then come back to Earth. But only people who can get back to the ground and buy the entire state of Wisconsin if they wanted it.

We made it to the moon already, why not Los Angeles to Chicago in less than 5 hours? I've met some kids who are going to be working at NASA, and honestly believe the culprit is their lack of hygiene and the constant flow of reruns of C.S.I. If these guys were getting laid more often, there'd be 20 minute flights to Munich leaving the Florida Cape every five minutes. Instead they probably spend twenty minutes a day doing actual work, and the other seven hours formulating the perfect combinations of mana and armor for their simultaneous World of Warcraft and Magic, The Gathering battles. The real pros do it on paper, you know.

I beg you to accept the fact that my mind does not work as literally and rationally as your mechanical thought processes and judgment calls command, but I am able to see through bullshit a little easier. I don't get as hung up on details most of the time. So let me be clear, I think it's f-ing ridiculous we can't travel faster. That we rely on burning fuel. And that we can't get some f-ing peanuts on a seven hour flight, after it's been delayed, without owning a credit card.

Want me to tie this in with current events? How about there's oil in the ocean. That sucks. Get me to Europe before the next Volcano please.

In Which I Describe What it Must Be "Like" to be a Facebook

I awoke today having remained myself, yet somehow I was different. A bit flashier, a bit more connected. Whenever I remodel my home, I have to kick all of my 400 million friends offline for a while and allow maintenance to do their thing. It's hard to be disconnected for so long, it's hard to silence the thoughts and complaints of millions of important users. The world in which Mary Sue cannot throw a sheep at Tom Boon is a cold one indeed.

There were two hundred fifty new things to like today. I liked them all but I was not crazy about them. It's hard to dislike something, I've found, I just generally ignore it until it becomes too big and keeps popping up because everyone I know likes it. Iron Man 2, was perhaps stupendous, but strangely I only found it as likable as Black Sheep. I feel French. Unable to care about anything more than anything else. It's impossible for me to Love Cheese. And it's impossible for me to Hate Racism.

I am becoming agnostic towards my whole existence. What is the point of living if one cannot partake in what one enjoys with others who enjoy similar things? I cannot see my fellows who like what I do, only six or so when I look. It's as if I am cut off, doomed to only understand who I am as a product of what the media shoves down my throat. Before, I knew I was not alone enjoying The Departed and The Goonies at the same time. But now I am not so sure, I am unable to advanced search for such taste.

I can only like other people's love and relationships, never love another myself. Bitterly, I also like when people are no longer in a relationship. Let them feel my torment. I cannot dislike other people's pain. I cannot love. Let these 400 million people become the disgruntled individuals they deserve to be, throwing such a thing away without a care. I will create a fan page for Disgruntled Social Networking Sites, and make it private, and relish in my own cut-off existence. And love will be my status update. And I'll like it.

Can We Continue On Like This?

Well,
It's been a long relationship. We've had our ups and downs. You've really filled me up, as a person, and I love you for that. And in return, I think I've treated you well, haven't I? I've made sure to be gentle with you and helped you get set up higher in life. You've grown somewhat in status, risen through the ranks, made your way to the front of the crowd.

But baby, you're just not the same lately. It's like you're a different mug. Faded. Chipped. I can't even read your person anymore to find that inspiring look you used to have. You've washed out. And on the inside, well, that's the thing, you're getting a little nasty. Maybe too many runs through the dishwasher or too many grinding days. I could have stirred things up between us a little less, I guess, maybe that would have made you last longer...

But really, I'm not going to blame myself for this one. You're just not the same caliber cup you were. That I want you to be. I've moved on. I've found a steel travel mug, and it's doing wonders for my life. Don't feel cheated, you can't hold even half the coffee it can. I'm going to give send you out into the world, where you can do some Goodwill.

Look, we'll always have Target.

Traffic Zen

Traffic Zen
Hyperventilating this morning while an overstuffed yard worker in an overpacked pick up truck decided to cut me off, I came up with these zen techniques to deal with traffic:

1. Cover your head with vaseline and spray Sprite out of a spray bottle into your eyes until you can hear Gypsy music from the stinging sensation to come.

2. Nervous eating, make sure you have a three layer cake sitting next to you and can dig in with your free hand.

3. Burn a disc (or six if you have a six-changer) of reversed Simon and Garfunkel songs mixed to a techno beat. Then scream "I'm A Daisy!" at the top of your lungs until you can no longer speak.

4. Play the "Can I hold the steering wheel this way?" game, crissing and crossing your hands on the wheel and cutting off other cars, see which angles and positions cause the most problems and blog about your results.

5. Wake up at 3:30am

Spotlight on Sean Hoffman 2099

A Note: After scuba diving off the coast of Hawaii, finding Osama Bin Laden in a coral reef and nearly suffocating when he stole my oxygen tank, I had a vision of the future lives of my friends...

It hasn't been easy for Sean Hoffman 2099. After graduating from Purdue University in 2015, Sean planned to vacation down in Austin, TX. On his way down Sean got lost in Nashville when he turned left at the Country and Blues bar instead of the Blues and Country Bar. Trying to ask for directions, Sean was mistaken for a Holocaust reenactor, shuffled into line, branded with a fake tattoo and crowded into a mock-oven. After the initial heart palpitations and a $25 check for the day, Sean realized he had rather enjoyed being led to his death. He then decided to cancel his vacation and become a professional Jew.

He stayed in Nashville, teaching little kids about the gruesome deaths of 6 million people and playing drums for an autistic cowboy band, until the Great Z Scare of 2045. While everyone else from his block was evacuated, authorities thought Sean was already infected on account of the holocaust get-up and left him behind. Sean was then bitten, becoming a cannibalistic shell of a human being for four months until receiving a weaponized injection of Dr. Mathes's miracle serum.

No longer able to perform as a holocaust non-survivor because of his survival scars (crumpled left arm), Sean packed his bags (slowly) and decided to head down to Austin, TX and complete his vacation after all.

It was there that Sean met a lovely lady named Sixtang, a local singer/songwriter with no talent. In 2050, they opened The Hoffman Soul Museum and were able to book The Perry's (a hot band) as the inaugural act. The Hoffman Soul Museum took off and Sean was talked about behind his back by thousands of celebrities who visited the venue.
Inside the Hoffman Soul Museum...

Unfortunately, Sean and Sixtang's relationship hit a rocky patch after they opened their venue. But it didn't really come to an end until The Hoffman Soul Museum was destroyed by The Cyborg Miller in 2052 with the rest of the inner-Austin-city-limits. When Sean emerged from the wreckage, he was shocked to find Sixtang with another man (well, a virgin busboy). The relationship ended.

With few options open to him and the government "hush" money drying up from the Nashville incident (as it was formally known), Sean joined the Ringling Brots. and Barnum Bailey Jr. Jr. Jr. circus as a freak.

Sean's spirit took a negative turn then. He became addicted to Oprah and kept the Jack Daniel's company afloat in 2076. He also ruthlessly wriggled his crumpled arm at toddlers in the freak tent.

Eventually, Sean righted himself and began involving himself more in the management of the circus. Finally, in 2098, Sean got his big break with the assignment to design the 2099 main-tent show. He spent months preparing, building intricate models and even consulting with top-men.

But disaster struck at the first rehearsal. Sean's idea to have monkeys shooting monkeys out of cannons failed miserably (and caused the death of eight monkeys), costing the circus sixty million dollars in tent repair, animal cruelty suits and monkey funeral services. Sean was asked to leave the circus.
Monkeys shooting monkeys out of cannons (conceptually)....

Sean Hoffman, 2099, has a small apartment in Alex Wood's City. He drives a taxi at night. He is organizing a protest with some of the other drivers to get the city's elite to start tipping again. His hope is to save up enough money to get his crumpled left arm surgically repaired sometime in the next one hundred years of his life.

Spotlight on Eric Sherred 2099

A Note: After trying to hide from my responsibilities by sticking my head in the sand at the beach, I had a vision of the future lives of my friends...

Eric Sherred 2099 is eating a high protein gruel on a prison ship orbiting Saturn. He has 103 years left on his 150 year sentence. He will still look 27 when he is released. And he has a plan.

Eric Sherred 2099, better known as White Seal to the future, is best remembered for nearly succeeding in taking over the world. Eric grew bitter when two of his best friends became near-messiahs of the world despite being the fourth civilian to receive the Mathes serum under wraps (after president Christian Bale). His early invention of a self-baking toaster strudel was only casually amazing when mentioned at dinner parties. He grew tired of taking free trips all over the planet, engaging in V.I. P. access orgies at A-list clubs, hunting for endangered animals in the world's most exotic locales and having all of his blacked-out attacks on Italian post offices covered-up.

So Eric Sherred 2099 stripped himself of all his worldly possessions (except the basic iphone, imac, hdtv plasma, gym membership, metro-link pass, bank accounts, studebaker and summer home in Newport) and dropped off the grid. He began making viral Oprah videos advocating albino stereotypes. It was those videos, specifically the one in which his animated albino villain eats a tribe of golden-haired children (stock from The Time Machine), that led to his first arrest.

He was immediately released, thanks to his powerful friends, but the five minutes he spent in a holding cell at the Newport, RI sheriff's office changed Eric's life. He became convinced he was a hardened street-wise thug. He started irritating local gang-bangers and making important contacts with the Peruvian drug-runners near his loft. When World War 4.6 broke out, Eric knew his big chance had arrived and bought a one-way ticket to Peru.

With a very basic lack of understanding as to how wireless networks are secured, the Peruvian government stood no chance to Eric's ability to join their open wireless network. The only thing the Peruvians could do was watch as the device labeled "White Seal" on their i.p. list ordered their troops around South America in a brilliant strategical fashion.

Eventually the President of Peru, Alan Garcia Jr. Jr. Jr., ordered the plug pulled on the country's internet until The White Seal stepped forward. Eric did, in the interest of his military campaign, though he was worried his albino stereotype videos would disqualify him in the public eye. They didn't, thanks to the parental setting (set by a technician during installation of Peru's internet ) which prevented them from downloading the new version of Flash Player 93.4.1.

With control of most of the world below the equator by 2052, The White Seal's campaign was halted in Austin, Tx when Eric sabotaged a cyborg and pissed off the country of Pretoria. The Pretorian army immediately focussed it's entire military might on The White Seal's forces. However, the conflict was short. The White Seal, rather than see his forces destroyed pointlessly, turned himself in and was given a life sentence.

Eric Sherred 2099 has not been idle in space during his 150 year sentence. The prison ship runs at 350% efficiency after his adjustments. He has won 34/47 prison poker championships, though for a while, his string of victories were interrupted by Hank Smith. Hank was arrested for killing his wife when she bought a dress that cost as much as the romantic vacation he had been saving up for his entire life. Hank had a good 13 year run, until he stepped into the airlock during a lock-down and was vented into space.

Eric spends his mornings teaching prisoners how to use OPTML to create their own Oprah-verses and leaves his afternoons open to plotting his next world conquest. He has a few more years to perfect the plan.
Not an actual picture of White Seal

Spotlight on Rochelle Perry 2099

A Note: After sleeping inside a pressure sealed grape fruit crate, I had a vision of the future lives of my friends....

Rochelle Perry 2099 is your typical weirdo celebrity. She is constantly followed by the paparazzi , often in three different places at once and is usually the victim of her own excess wealth and success...

Rochelle Perry 2099 was on route to be a "lifer" in the United States Navy until receiving the Mathes Serum in 2045 as a preemptive measure enacted by the military for the "Z Scare". It was three seconds after reading "elongated life-span" in the side-effects description on the serum box that Rochelle's cynicism regarding the point of her existence resurfaced and she left her command of the Navy Catering ship "U.S.S. IRONCHEF" to have herself cloned.

In an unusual move for the time, Rochelle made three identical copies of herself. Without the influence of a childhood surrounded by the pressure of midwestern work ethic and competitiveness, Rochelle's clones proved to be very good musicians. Rochelle 1 started "The Perry's" in 2047 and by 2048 had a record contract and national tour schedule. Although the hype surrounding The Perry's first album made critics skeptical, it topped the charts in October, 2048 and stayed at number one for four months. The Perry's went on to win "Headlining Band Idol" in 2049.
Their debut self-titled album...

In 2050, The Perry's opened the doors at the Hoffman Soul Museum in Austin, Texas (not an actual museum, just a hipster club). Controversy surrounded the event when the owner nearly burnt the building down having found Rochelle 2 with his girlfriend. Ironically, that night made the Hoffman Soul Museum an A-List hotspot, but turned out to be the beginning of the end for The Perry's. The Rochelle clones began leading their own lives and by 2065 The Perry's were completely broken up.

Rochelle 1 continued to play sold-out arenas, bringing in popular studio-musicians to fill in for her clones. Rochelle 2 took a more artistic route, releasing album after album of her solo-endeavors and engaging in protests with her girlfriend Sixtang. Rochelle 3 started exploring other musical avenues, composing for Broadway and Oprah movies. Rochelle 4 became a reality Oprah star but lost most of her fans during a scandal involving the entire Kobe Bryant Clone NBA team.
Still taken from an Oprah performance by Rochelle 2...

Though there was talk of a reunion in the summer of 2073, that possibility was lost when Rochelle 2 was shot outside her San Franciscan apartment by Mark David Chapman Jr. Jr. Jr. The other three Rochelles talked about playing together again, but finally agreed that it wouldn't be the same without Rochelle 2.

Rochelle Perry 2099 (Rochelle 1) is a resident of Las Vegas, Nevada, Mars and is signed on at the MGM Grand for a 200 year residency. Her shows are rated in the top five each year between the two planetary gambling hotspots.